I started this as just a blog to keep track of things and as a bit of fun but now I think it might actually come in handy in helping me overcome my anxiety.I've always been a worrier and while I find it easy to encourage other people to look on the bright side of life but don't always find it that easy to take my own advice. However, I've never really thought it was that much of a problem until earlier this year.
There has been certain things over the last year or so which had been really bothering me and that I couldn't get off my mind. So much so that when we went to London in the summer, there were times when I found it really hard to enjoy myself and difficult to get to sleep sometimes. This was really out of character because I love London so much and I never really have trouble getting to sleep. The other thing is, the thing that was bothering me was not that big of an issue that it should have been bothering me that much. I knew that but still I couldn't shake it off. I had kept it to myself but I was so annoyed that I was allowing it to interfere with my London trip. I admitted it to my husband and told him I had decided to phone the doctor and get an appointment as I know then something wasn't right with me.
The doctor agreed something wasn't right and told me I could probably benefit from talking to a counsellor and referred me on. While I was waiting for an appointment with the counsellor or therapist (I don't actually know what you call him), my hair started to fall out. It was only really noticeable to me and my hairdresser but it really bothered me. I am quite appearance concious as it is and so it worried me. I was pretty sure it was down to my worrying and stress which made me worry more!
Finally I got to see the therapist (I think that's what I'll call him). At my first appointment I was very cagey and didn't give much away. I was pretty nervous and didn't know what to say. He kept asking me questions about my childhood and honestly I couldn't think of anything that had happened when I was little which would still be affecting me now. We talked about how I had changed jobs, got married and moved house all in the space of a year which I admit was stressful but really didn't think it had anything to do with how I was feeling now. I mean I have to admit I had suicidal thoughts. I never thought about actually killing myself and how I would do it, but I felt so empty, sad & hopeless at times that I thought it would probably be better if I wasn't here. He sent me away with a little booklet to read and another appointment in 2 weeks. I read the booklet and it was all about anxiety and how people with anxiety feel. I realised I felt 99% of these things. The next appointment I opened up a lot more and as well as anxiety we discussed low self-esteem but we still couldn't work out where it was all coming from. Again I left with a booklet about that which I didn't read until I was on the train to my next appointment. I certainly related to a lot of the statements in this booklet too and I also have low self-esteem. It wasn't until I was reading this booklet that I started to realise where these feelings might have originated.
When I think about my childhood I mainly remember good things. When I was younger my mum & dad didn't always have a lot of money but I & my brother always got whatever we wanted and had lots of great family around me. When I became a teenager my mum & dad got back on track with money and that's all I could really think about when I thought back. However, I had obviously done an amazing job of blocking out my dad's obsession with housework.
From a young age my parents made my brother & I do a LOT of housework. It was annoying but I am sure a lot of kids went through worse. The thing that was really bad, was the way my dad spoke to us if he found any "mistakes". If he found a glass that we hadn't picked up, or we hadn't put things away in the cupboard the was he liked, then he would be so nasty. He would never hit us, but he would tell us we were idiots, stupid, disgusting and generally make us feel terrible. He once told me he would make me feel scared to hear his car in the driveway. I remember thinking that this was already true!
After a few drinks one night I did tell him how he made me feel. I was talking about one particular occasion, and I remember him saying he didn't give a f**k how that made me feel. It's strange because in almost every other way, he was the perfect dad. He always had my back if I had any issues, he would give me money if I needed it, celebrated my exam results etc etc.
Obviously this had a huge effect on my self-esteem and mental health in general but I had obviously blocked it out, and now it has came back to bite me.
So, at the moment I don't really understand how much knowing where these feelings originated can really help me, and I am concentrating on moving forward. I'm trying to remember to listen to a meditation app everyday, and doing some exercises in the booklets my therapist gave me. It's difficult for me to find the time but it's so important that I need to do it. I've read that it's really important to keep it up too so I'm going to do my best for my own sake but also for my husband's, after all he has to live with me and he wants to see me happy!
Anyway another thing I read was that it's good to write things down and sort out your thoughts, rationalize them, so hopefully I can do that here x
